Answer: Your stuff was all detained at a U.S. port due to:
- Candy canes having undeclared Red 40 in them.
- Chocolates from China being on import alert for melamine.
- Cosmetic kits having glitter in them which FDA suddenly thinks is a color
- Sunglasses having invalid Impact Resistance Certificates
Santa Claus was on his way to deliver these goodies to your children but was smacked out of the midnight air by the FDA as he attempted to transport these treats into the United States. The FDA automatically detained all of the products above (and more) and arrested Santa for his violations and non-compliance. Millions of children woke up confused, dismayed and downright distraught on Christmas morning, discovering half-full stockings and gaping voids underneath their Christmas trees. Many parents, having learned of Santa’s plight, rushed out to local 24 hour convenience stores to scour for toys, candy or anything they could get their hands on to hastily wrap up for their kids. One local Mom dressed in pajamas stated, “I’m furious with the FDA. How could they do this on Christmas? I’m sure Santa would never bring anything dangerous into the country.”
Benjamin England, Attorney and Founder and CEO of the FDA consulting firm, FDAimports.com, has been advocating for Mr. Claus on a pro bono basis and was working diligently to help resolve the catastrophe. “Mr. Claus should have been working with us throughout the year instead of calling us just when this FDA import crisis happened,” stated England. “But we’re doing everything we can now to help resolve the various compliance issues and get things back on track for next Christmas. I just feel sorry for all the kids.”
Earlier in the month the FDA Office of Criminal Investigations (OCI) and Department of Homeland Security “ICE” agents brought down Santa’s sleigh over Columbia Maryland as Santa was out testing a new sleigh configuration. The dramatic arrest was captured on video and caused alarm the world over when it became known that Santa was in the hoosegow. Shortly after his arrest Mr. England was able to get Mr. Claus released on bail (with an ankle bracelet to track his movements) and back to his shipping operation, albeit from a remote distribution location in Gary, Indiana. Everyone thought the coast was clear until Christmas Eve when Santa was again brought into custody and his imports detained.
“I think there are a lot of valuable lessons to learn here,” stated Mr. England. “FDA’s enforcement power is growing and so is the number of imported shipments coming into the country each year.” Mr. England stated that the new Food Safety Modernization Act would only bring more struggles to Mr. Claus and others who were bringing product into the United States.
All of this recent enforcement seems to be a result of FDA’s new, risk-based import screening technology, PREDICT, and in anticipation of FDA’s implementation of the FSMA. Soon food importers will be required to act as the U.S. food police, verifying their foreign suppliers are implementing FDA’s new Hazard Analysis Risk-based Preventive Controls (or HARPC) programs. “The one silver lining here” said England, “is this attack against Santa and his sleigh-full-of-joy happened before FDA implemented its new and far reaching food tax” referring to congressional grant of authority to permit FDA to collect user fees for many of its oversight operations related to imported food. “If this was next year, Santa would get an invoice from FDA for the trouble – and FDA does not do anything pro bono!”
Although countless American children did not receive their candy canes, fruit cakes, lip gloss, eye shadow, sunglasses, laser lights or chocolates this Christmas, it appears the actions taken by FDA were not as forceful as they could have been. Mr. England stated that Christmas 2012 would be a different story and that his firm was already helping Santa’s compliance program and working double time to achieve full compliance by August. The FDA could not be reached for comment.
Disclaims for the Inane: This post is part of a humorous yet insightful marketing campaign by FDAImports.com, an independent consulting firm with no affiliation with the United States Food and Drug Administration or the North Pole. None of this actually happened.
