We warned him. We heard the rumors this was coming and sure enough it did. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Office of Criminal Investigations (OCI) teamed up with Homeland Security agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and reportedly arrested Santa Claus tonight as he was out testing a new sleigh configuration in Columbia, MD. Eyewitness accounts caught the whole event on video, even capturing the agents’ rough treatment of Santa (and his tears) as he was put into the FDA’s special enforcement SUV. “I saw all this commotion down in the parking lot and was like ‘Hey is that Santa?’” said one bystander who happened upon the scene on the way to his car after work. Other witnesses said they heard scraping sounds and what sounded like boxes falling down stairs as Santa’s sleigh was brought down by the FDA and crashed into some brush near the parking lot where the arrest occurred.
Benjamin England, Founder and CEO of FDAImports.com, arrived on the scene immediately and interjected himself as Mr. Claus’ attorney. “The charges are serious and we’re all reeling at this point,” England stated after the events. “The FDA’s enforcement power has increased and will only grow more and more powerful as it implements the Food Safety Modernization Act.” England stated that Santa has been lucky not to have been targeted by the FDA before and that they were doing everything possible to work through the FDA’s long list of allegations against Mr. Claus and his North Pole distribution and manufacturing center. So how did FDA attain the information necessary to hunt down Santa Claus?
“FDA’s reach is broad,” stated England. “Since the FDA can’t adequately assess every single shipment coming into the United States they will flag or detain a shipment even if it only appears to violate the act.” England stated that ICE and OCI agents intercepted Santa’s sleigh and seized it as a “conveyance” for smuggling undeclared or misdeclared FDA regulated products from unregistered facilities. A copy of the arrest warrant was obtained and numerous violations were cited including misbranding of products, manufacturing by unregistered facilities, non-compliant medical devices, food suspected of food safety problems, and cosmetics bearing “drug claims”. An anonymous source at Reagan National Airport reported seeing numerous FDA vans and SUV’s coming and going during the night as well as a major spike in flight plans involving the North Pole by government cargo jets.
FDA also detained Santa’s belly. Since it shook like a bowl full of jelly, they considered it misbranded food. Mr. England declared to OCI agents, “This isn’t over,” and vowed FDAImports.com would do their utmost to help Santa work through his compliance issues over the coming weeks.
Disclaims for the Inane: This post is part of a humorous yet insightful marketing campaign by FDAImports.com, an independent consulting firm with no affiliation with the United States Food and Drug Administration or the North Pole. None of this actually happened.
